Let's Try That Again
Getting our children to use "please," "excuse me" or "thank you" is like paddling to the Caribbean by hand. I know the end result exists, and I’ve heard wonderful things about it, but I’m pretty sure we’ll never get there. Sometimes when I encounter a polite teenager, I look over at my three small savages bellowing, "I WANT MORE PIRATE’S BOOTY !" at the top of their lungs to no one in particular, and I wonder if and how this fabled “polite young people thing” will ever be achieved. They know the words. We've only been practicing them their ENTIRE lives. Yet, our children holler out needs and orders like they’re line cooks in the world’s busiest kitchen during brunch hours.
Let’s face it. “Don’t be rude!” generally doesn’t work. You get the frown, the crossed arms, or depending on how old they are, that glorious eye-roll. That’s because children tend to resist negative instruction. It makes sense. If you lived in a world where all you heard was, “don’t do this, don’t do that” all day, you might get to a point where you go, “some of this has GOT to be either fake or pointless.”
And that's why in our house (for the time being anyway) the magic words "let's try that again" are often able to transform “GIMME MORE SYRUP!” into “may I have some more syrup, please?” and or “MOVE OVER!” into “excuse me.” ≈
That's because “let’s try that again” employs positive instruction --something children DO respond well to. Instead of telling them what we DON’T want to see, we instead tell them what we DO want to see. And that often results in a win.
“Let’s try again” also allows for a second chance – something we can all appreciate. It's erases what you did, and lets you start over. It’s kind of like the COMMAND + Z of parenting
It also uses the word “let’s” which says “we’re going to do this together.” “A companion?” a listener might think. “It can’t be THAT bad if you’re going to be doing it, too.”
It also gives your child the benefit of the doubt. It says, “hey, I know YOU know the right way to do this. You’re better than this.”
The key is to say it in a normal voice. One that’s not stern or admonishing. The same voice you might use to say, “let’s tie your shoes.” Or “let’s go see what flavors ice cream they have.”
It's worth a try when you're met with barbaric-speak. Here's what happens in our house:
“GIVE ME MY WATER!”
“Let’s try that again.”
“May I have my water please?”
“EWWWW. I HATE LENTILS.”
“Let’s try that again.”
“Mommy, is there anything else?”
“THAT LIPSTICK MAKES YOU LOOK UGLY.”
“Let’s try that again.”
“Mommy, you’re so beautiful and smart, you don't need makeup.”
Okay I lied, that last one has never happened. But there's hope.